Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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