Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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