you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
