Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
foreskin is a definite game changer
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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