Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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