saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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