hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
