I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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