Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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