oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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