Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
