i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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