i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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