Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
if only i could text you this smell
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Vodka?
Forever.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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