How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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