So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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