I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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