i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
