She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
