Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
