i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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