I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
