from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
