Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
