how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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