I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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