listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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