I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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