sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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