dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
