dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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