i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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