Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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