Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I believe in your delicious
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
