i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
