I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
did i walk over a car last night?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
