how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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