How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
