My nipple is on Facebook.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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