OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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