The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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