where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Randomize
