I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
this just has baby written all over it
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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