i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
