He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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