Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
