People in love make me want to vomit
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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