If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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