so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
