I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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