So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
