That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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