Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
