There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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