if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
wat bout pragnant strippers??
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
