two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
