Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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