Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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